Our Worse Enemy -- OURSELVES!

I've been running groups like this one for years now. I've been HS'ing my own kids since they were toddlers. I'm the first person to defend HS as a viable resource. I'm the shoulder other newbies cry on. And I shake my head at the worries and guilt new HS parents often experience. But I will fully admit even I can sometimes fall prey to the even twin resting on my shoulder whispering guilt and doubt. I thought I'd write this post for all other HS mom's who stongly defend their decision then, late in the night when no one is watching, bite my fingernails to the quick.

Here are some of my guilty whisperings:

Gosh, we don't spend nearly the amount of time on HS as PS kids do...what with going to school for 8 hours then having a couple of hours of homework when they get home...Now, intellectually I know we don't need as much time as the kids are getting one on one attention, and the curriculum is designed specifically for their learning styles. I'm not trying to fit square pegs into round holes. But even I will sometimes question our dedication. When we do coop once a week, I will slack on the other days, not doing as much (and I know many other parents who do nothing at all on those other 6 days a week)....and I'm one of those parents who think all of life is a learning experience, so technically our kids are learning all of the time...but still I'll feel whisperings of doubt occasionally.

I'm not a trained professional. My oldest son has Aspergers (a form of Autism). I can not conceive of him thriving in a PS setting. And yet I know (supposedly) he'd be surrounded by 'experts' if I put him in the ps system. In fact I had a hard time finding a doctor who a. supported HS or b. would dx him without having a report from a school psychologist. Again my son is in a safe environment where I can give him the freedom to explore his stengths to his hearts content, and work gently on his weaknesses....but I had a hard time learning about his learning style, and I feel (ocassionally) that we wasted those years that I tried to teach him with a different style. I know he would have been bullied and miserable in a group setting (he has high anxiety) but ocassionally I too will doubt my abilities.

My house looks like the setting for an epic war film. One of the hardest parts of HS is getting balance. Especially since I'm legally handicapped and can't be on my feet for long periods of time. So I will shrug off keeping the kitchen spotless to instead watch hours of documentaries with the kids. Or I won't do laundry so we can instead work on building a volcano. Our house is cleaning central on the weekends, which the kids hate. But I will sometimes feel guilty for taking my quiet reading time in the evening after the kids go to bed. Our house would sparkle, but I'd probably be homicidal without it. I'm the first to tell parents the importance of taking decompression time, but it doesn't stop the guilt.

So ladies. Acknowledge your guilt and doubt, own it. I believe the doubt and fear are part and parcel with being a good parent. It keeps us on our toes, always striving to be the best parent/teacher we can be. No matter what your guilt/doubt know that you ARE good enough, you ARE smart enough, and you ARE doing what is right for YOUR family.

Blessings!

Morning Blahs

Am I a bad mom for not being a morning person?

I think a part of the job requirement for being a mother is worrying about the dumbest things (and the important things too). I can't tell you how many thousands of women I've heard doubt themselves. Even as I always sigh and give a shoulder to lean on, I know I too am guilty of self-doubt.

I have a strong voice, and have no problem with raising it to curb bad behavior. I know I probably scare everyone in a ten mile radius (just joking), but I know my kids ignore me if I try to keep my voice level. I don't like spanking - reserving the corporal punishment for when one child puts another (or themselves) in physical danger. I know there are some days it seems I'm spending every other moment with my voice raised. I hate it too. I know that if my kids are acting out (fighting with each other, sneaking tv time in their room, etc) then I'm not keeping them stimulated enough...but as much as I blame myself for some of their behavior, I won't punish myself because they're choosing to break the rules...if that makes sense.

I had a tragic and horrible childhood. My dad is my rock, he became a single father of 4 kids when my brothers and I asked my mother to leave and never come back. I have very few good memories of my mother. I know she couldn't always control her actions (she is a very low functioning Bipolar). But that doesn't sooth the many hurts. But as I raise my voice in reprimand, I worry about what my children will remember of me someday. Will they only remember the loud voice? The boot camp exercises for repeated bad behavior? Will they remember the cuddles and the love? My mother insists there were many many times of happy existence, but I have none of those memories. My brothers and I are all missing large chunks of our memory and for a while we would meet to sit and try to fill in the blanks for each other. Then my younger brother and I decided to leave the past in the past. It's enough for me to know I have my dad and my brothers.

As I stated starting out, I'm not a morning person...and yet my children took after my hubby and are up at the crack of dawn raring to go. I just know that it would be perfect for them to get in some school work during that time, but there is no way. Even before they were born, when I was an engineer, I couldn't get up before 8 and wasn't really functional before 10. When my kids were just a bit younger they would try to sneak as much as possible before 8 am, as they know I wouldn't even remember yelling at them.

It's so strange. I can stay up all night fine. I have no problem at 2 am. But between 4 am and 8am I'm in a strange fugue. You can try to wake me, I'll talk to you, but I'm not really coherent. Weird. So I sometimes wonder what the kids are missing by having a night owl mom. This morning I'm early. Preparing to teach Sign Language at our local Health & Wellness center. The kids are listening to books on tape.

If I could write a letter to the adult men my boys become, I would want to say the following:

Every moment of every day I have loved you. I'm sure I've made mistakes - it's how we learn and evolve in this existence- but even when making errors my love for you consumed me. You have amazed me from the moment you came into this world. Brothers together from the start - and yet so inherently different. DJ with his sensitive soul. I look at how open and loving he is, and am jealous that I've been guarded since I was younger than him. Xman is so strong. So funny. I see myself stamped on every inch of his personality. Live life to the fullest my beautiful boys. Don't be afraid to love - even if it doesn't work out your soul will be the better for having tried.